Borrowed Sleep

Sometimes, I need to hibernate.

My sleeping pattern hasn’t been normal since 2017, the same year I started drinking coffee regularly. Back then, it felt harmless, even necessary. Coffee became a tool to survive long days, tight deadlines, and the constant need to be present, productive, and dependable. One cup turned into a habit, and the habit quietly rewired my sense of rest.

Since then, nights have lost their boundaries. Sleep comes late, leaves early, or arrives in broken pieces. There are moments when my mind is exhausted but refuses to shut down, and mornings when my body wakes up tired, as if rest never fully happened. I learned how to function on less sleep, how to push through, how to convince myself that being tired was normal.

But the body remembers everything.

So there are days, sometimes weeks, when I crash. When I sleep longer than expected, withdraw from conversations, and feel the urge to disappear into silence. It looks like hibernation, and maybe that’s exactly what it is. Not escape. Not weakness. Just recovery catching up.

Coffee kept me awake, but hibernation keeps me alive.

In those quiet stretches, my body is doing what it couldn’t do before: slowing down, repairing, breathing without urgency. I’m learning that rest doesn’t always follow a schedule, and healing doesn’t ask for permission. Sometimes, the bravest thing I can do is stop fighting my tiredness and listen to it.

And maybe one day, my rhythm will find its balance again. But until then, I allow myself to hibernate, without guilt, without apology, trusting that rest, however imperfect, is still a form of self-care. #

ABOUT the Author:

Christian Jay S. Laya is a licensed Professional Teacher from Alabel, Sarangani Province. He currently serves as the Senior Tourism Operations Officer and Municipal Information Officer (designate) of the local government unit. He earned his undergraduate degree, Bachelor of Arts in History, cum laude, from Mindanao State University–General Santos City. He has also completed the academic requirements for a Master of Arts in Philippine Studies and is presently pursuing a Master in Public Administration, major in Local and Regional Governance Administration, at the same university. A writer, community journalist, and cultural heritage advocate, he is deeply committed to preserving and promoting local history and traditions.